There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
