Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
