I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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