Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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