also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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