I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
