Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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