i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
