Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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