There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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