Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
