I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
two words...techno handjob
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
