dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
