the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
