jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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