I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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