It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
