I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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