She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
