I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
