What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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