I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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