Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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