i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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