Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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