Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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