im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
my liver is dry heaving
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
