No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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