One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
