Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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