I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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