Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
