Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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