I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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