Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
