A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
