Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
