11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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