So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's rum buckets o'clock
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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