She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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