i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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