Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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