Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
