Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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