I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
