so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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