Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
