just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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