The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
