he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize