THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
