someone owes me an orgasm
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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