White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize