You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
