Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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