Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
