Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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