Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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