also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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