Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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