The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
