I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize