Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
