please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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