what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
