Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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