Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
